Balance

I get it.
There is some kind of crazy cliche in the (fitblogging) universe about people that don't blog for a while falling off the wagon and gaining weight.
But that's totally not me.

I just haven't had much to say.
I've been super busy trying to focus on my four kids.
Going to crossfit four times a week.
Trying to figure out some paleo snacks that are grab and go.

Trying to balance working out and doing what's best for our family.

And then I got to thinking about how every single weekend we have about 5 places to be and we're never home long enough to do the dirty dishes that are piled up in the sink.
And what's going to happen when the littles get bigger and we have 10 more places to be?
I want our kids to be well rounded and active, but I don't quite know how to balance all of the activities along with the rest of our crazy schedule.

But I'm still here, trucking along.
Eating paleo.

Being distracted.

Missing box jumps. (which I would really not recommend)

Stuck

My Husband is rad.
He cooks me meals (not all, but a lot).
He encourages me when I really want  a diet coke or a cookie.
He makes time for me to workout.
He does the grocery shopping so that I don't have to be strong in the bakery.

He is rad.
And it's a good thing that I have him, because other people can be mean.
They try to sabotage efforts.
They say things that hurt to the core.

Other (weight loss) bloggers think they know it all.
That they have all the answers.
That because something worked for them it's the only answer.
But they're wrong.

Because, you guys.
I feel like I've tried it all, and nothing seems to be working.
I've counted calories and trained for a half marathon.
I've done boot camp.
I just started Crossfit and switched to a Paleo diet.
And nothing seems to be working.
Sure, I feel better.
But my clothes still fit.
And the scale?
It likes the same old number.
Which is TOO MUCH.

At what point do you stop calling it consistency and start calling it insanity?

Really, I'm asking.

13.1

I did it!!

I finished a half marathon!

We made a whole weekend out of it and had our first mini vacay as a family of 6.

We started out Friday by a visit to Disneyland, and the kids were super excited since they had no idea where we were taking them on our trip. About lunch time we took a little break and decided to check out the Health and Fitness Expo at the hotel to pick up our race packets.

The two big kids ran the 200 meter kids race Saturday morning and had so much fun! We're trying really hard to get them interested in staying active, especially since I had such a sedentary childhood. I don't want my kids to struggle with their weight as much as I have.

Sunday morning my alarm went off at 4am in order to get ready for the race! Husband was amazing and kept me company while I was getting ready. I took some Clif shot bloks before I left, and as I walked to the race from our hotel (1.4 miles) I ate a banana and some almonds. I lined up in my corral where the wait began.

Because I was placed in such a late corral, I don't think that we actually crossed the start line until about 6:20, even though the race started at 5:45. As I started out, I couldn't believe that I was actually doing it! I felt great, had a great pace (for me) and was enjoying all of the scenery as we started out in Downtown Disney and headed in to Disney's California Adventure. At about mile 2, I had to make a stop (see above caffeinated shot bloks), which kind of bummed me out because I really felt like I had found my groove. But I easily picked back up where I left off. We continued to run through the parks, coming out of the castle and through the rest of Disneyland. As I made my way on to the streets of Anaheim and started to hear my name called! I looked over and my good friend Amanda was on the street corner cheering me on with the cutest sign! I was shocked and so touched to see her, and it gave me a little bit of extra encouragement to keep going.

As I continued through the race, my Husband, in laws and two big kids met up with me at different spots with super cute signs to cheer me on. I couldn't believe his dedication, considering how much work it was for him, with all of the street closures and dragging two small children around with him. It seriously meant the world for me to have his support through the whole race.

At about mile 8 my iPod stopped working. I couldn't get the music to play and I gave up, so it was just me and the pavement. There were tons of people around me, but they were all running with other people and seemed pretty focused.

And then my back started BURNING. My low back felt like it was ON FIRE. It hurt so bad I felt like crying. I started to walk thinking that I could just give myself a little break and then resume, but then everything started to hurt. We walked through Angel Stadium (where I saw my very pregnant friend, Christina and her entire family cheering for me) and all I kept thinking was that it had to get better. I had seen people using Biofreeze, so I tried it on my back. It did help temporarily, but the burning came back with a vengeance.

The end of the race is actually a blur. Anything after mile 11 I can barely remember. I spent most of the time just trying to put one foot in front of the other and finish within the time limit. I remember thinking that it actually felt better to run than it did to walk, but I couldn't catch my breath while I was running. I remember feeling lightheaded and nauseous and just wishing that I could lay down for just a minute.

As I approached the finish line, my mom and aunt and my two littlest kids were standing there cheering me on, which was just the boost I needed to cross the finish line!

I ended up laying down in the air conditioned medical tent for a while with some ice on my back and a Powerade in hand, but recovered fairly quickly and hitched a ride back to the hotel to join my family.

I am so grateful for all of my friends and family that were there every step of the way to cheer me on. I got so many encouraging text messages and emails and I'm humbled that so many people took the time to think of me. 

We spent the next couple of days as a family at Disneyland, just enjoying each other and spending some quality time together.

In the back of my mind, my time is haunting me. You see, I had a goal of just finishing in the time limit, which was 3:30 (yes, I know that's slow) and I missed it. By 11 minutes. My time was 3:41. Super bummed and disappointed with myself. I feel like maybe I could have pushed myself harder. Or something. And then I read an article about being happy with any accomplishment, even if it's just showing up. So I'm trying to focus on the fact that not only did I show up, but I finished.

Haunted.
I'm still haunted.
So I got home.
And signed on to the computer.
And may or may not have signed up for the Disney Princess Half Marathon in Orlando in February.
For redemption.

Time to get to work!!!

Freaking out

You guys.

My half marathon is in three days.

13.1 miles.

I'm Freaking Out.

I'm so stinking worried that I won't make the time limit.

That I'll let somebody down because I don't run the whole thing.

Because let's face it, I'll be walking. A lot.

And I'm kind of bummed because I don't think that I'll have time to stop and take pictures with any characters, because then for sure I wont make the time limit.

But at least we're getting a family vacation out of it.

And it will always be the Happiest Place on Earth!

The happenings

Here's the happenings around here. (don't you love my grammar?)

A whole lot of baking.

Not as much running as there should be. But I'm supposed to do 5 miles this Saturday! Yikes!


I started trying out the strong lifts program. You know how after you do a lot of squats you can hardly even sit on the toilet the next day? Yeah. That.

Trying to get this girl on some kind of sleep schedule, while trying to get all three other kids to their respective rightful places each day. Because waking up all night long simply isn't fun anymore.


And still counting calories with MyFitnessPal. Wishing that chocolate chip cookies didn't count in the daily total. Because I could eat my weight in them. And over the past couple of weeks I probably have.

3.8, but really 4 miles

I headed out Saturday morning for a 4 mile run (even though my training plan only called for 3), and somehow only ended up going 3.8. Even after extending the run when I realized I was going to come up short.


Please tell me how this happens when you run the exact same route that was 4.1 miles by GPS the week prior.


Regardless of the .3 mile discrepancy, it was nice to get out of the house with just my shoes and my music (and the new fuel belt that Husband got me for Mother's day).


I'm still super slow, and I don't really know if that's going to change any time soon.
There are days that I'm okay with it, and days that I'm super frustrated.
But I keep getting out there and running, so at least I can say that.


I signed up for the Joggermom marathon again this year, so I have to get in my 26.2 miles by the end of the month, and I got off to a slow start. I have lots of ground to make up, but with my saturday long runs getting longer, I think that I should be okay.


13 miles down, 13.2 (but really 12.9) to go!!

Absent

*insert whining and complaining here*

I realize  that I have been absent. Adrienne continues to remind me to update my blog.
But I just can't find the motivation to do it.


In my time of absence, I have managed to lose more weight, bringing my total to about 17 pounds. I am chipping away slow and steady.
The re-entry of sugar and flour in to my diet really affected my weight loss, and I've had a hard time getting back on track.


My baby wants to be held all the time. Always. Which I'm trying to cherish because I know she'll be my last one, but sometimes a girl just wants her space. And I know that sounds horrible and selfish, and I'm really sorry. But I'm just trying to keep it real here.


I did another 5K on Sunday, and am just feeling super frustrated with my fitness level. I'm not getting any faster, and while my legs feel great while I'm running, my heart rate gets up over 200 really quickly. I'm really starting to worry that I won't be able to do my half marathon.

Reality Check

I've been feeling really good about myself.
I've lost almost 13 pounds.
I've stuck with my whole sugar free craziness.
I fit in to non maternity jeans.
I've been exercising at least three times a week (including a 4 mile run, thankyouverymuch).

And then today my three year old looks up at me with his enormous blue eyes and very innocently says "Mommy, when you sit down you look fat."


Never mind that I have no idea where he heard that.
Or that he didn't mean to hurt my feelings, because after all, he's only three.
I had the whole "that's not kind" talk with him. And the "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" talk, too.
Because I think that I might be totally mortified if he said that to anyone except me.


But I got a very serious reality check that I still have so far to go. And as awesome as I feel, it was a true reflection of how other people see me. He wasn't lying.


So I guess I'll have to refrain from sitting for a while longer. You know, until I don't look fat anymore.

Coaster 5K

I did my first 5K of the season!!
Husband had signed us up for the Coaster 5K while I was still pregnant with the thought that it would motivate me to get back in to running shape after the baby was born.
Not so much.
I've had a really hard time fitting work out time in to my schedule, meaning that I was totally unprepared for this race.


The night before the 5K the three big kids spent the night with grandparents, so all we had was the baby. We enjoyed a nice quiet dinner out and then headed home because I can no longer keep my eyes open past 10pm.


That morning, we got up early, dropped the baby off at grandma's house, and headed up to the race. We got there in plenty of time and walked around a little bit to stay warm. Because, you know, 55 degrees is really cold for us So Cal natives.

We lined up in the 14 minute mile pace group and tried to make our way around all of the walkers knowing that we would be "running" for at least the first mile.


I actually ran the whole first mile. At one point, I tried to stop, but Husband wouldn't let me. (Thank you Husband!!)


The rest of the race was a mixture of walking and running, all while trying to beat a pace of a 15 minute mile. I had recently downloaded the Runkeeper app to my phone, and it updates you every 5 minutes of your pace so that you can adjust accordingly. I had set it to a goal pace of 15 minutes per mile, so it made pacing really easy.


At the finish line of the race, there were lines and lines of boysenberry pie, and if you are from around these parts, you know that Knott's Berry Farm is known for their pie. Well, because of my whole sugar free until Easter thing, I had to say no. So my piece of pie came home as payment for babysitting the kids.

The race was fun and flat, and I would do it again in the future. It also made me painfully aware of how out of shape I am and how much training I have to do in order to be ready for my half marathon in september. I'm kind of starting to freak out. Only 5 months left!!!

I did it

I refrained.
It was my birthday, and I held out on the sugar.
I did have a bun with my hamburger for dinner, so the flour thing went out the window for the night, but I didn't have any sugar.
And then, when I baked cupcakes for little man I didn't even lick my fingers. Or the beater. Or the inside of the bowl.
I proved to myself that I can totally do this.

Husband is awesome, and he found cupcakes that are sugar free and flour free, so I did have a sweet treat, but we all kind of agreed that the real thing is way better.
So I guess I'll just wait until the first birthday celebration after Easter to enjoy the real thing.
Until then, it's no sugar for me!!!

But it's my birthday

So, I gave up sugar and white flour, at least until Easter.


And so far? I've done really well. I didn't even add in alternatives to sugar until about two weeks ago. And even now, it's not like I eat them every day.


The flour? Except for a one time oopsimstarvingijustateapieceofleftoverpizza mistake, I've been right on.


But I failed to take in to consideration that my birthday will happen this week. And my little guy will turn two just one day later.
So this begs the question. 
Do I allow myself a sweet treat on my birthday?

You see, the whole reason that I did this was to prove to myself that I was the one with the control, not the food. And "they" always say that once you don't eat sugar you don't crave it anymore. Well, "they" are big fat liars. I want sugar every.single.day. I have turned down cupcakes, and cookies, and ice cream, and muffins, and breads on so many occasions over the past couple of weeks. And I have never caved in (even when those Girl Scouts shove a box of cookies in my face on every grocery store visit).


So have I proven my self control enough to indulge?


Or would you consider it cheating?

Do you want fries with that?

I've been really good about staying sugar free and laying off of the white flour. 

However, these beauties have been making a regular appearance in my diet.
I feel like I've been compensating for the lack of other junk food in my diet by splurging on french fries about 5 times a week. Yikes!!


I'm still managing to lose weight, and so far I'm down 6.8 pounds (Yay!), but I can't imaging how the scale would be moving if I could just cut these out of my diet too!


And if I were picky, then I could just avoid the places that I enjoyed the most. But unfortunately, I'm totally nondiscriminatory in my french fry eating practice.


I'm totally trying to justify it by saying "one thing at a time", but I really know that I've got to get a handle on this too.


Ugh. 

What's for dinner?

So I guess menu planning is the biggest rage around mommy land, which seems kind of like a no brainer to me. I mean, how else do you figure out what you're going to have for dinner?






There are a billion sites that offer services for you, fancy craft ways to make it all cute and fun, and tons of free printables to help you organize yourself.


But I've always just done it, more or less because I HATE going to the grocery store. Even more so now that I always have at least two littles in tow.


So here's what works for us.


We shop at Costco for things like milk, eggs, and meat. As well as things that we go through by the trough full, such as string cheese, yogurt, bread, waffles, and peanut butter.


At the beginning of the week, Husband and I sit down and brainstorm about which meals sound good for dinner for the week. He's pretty good about letting me try out new recipes that I've found on Pinterest, and we both kind of know which recipes we all enjoy and try to base our decisions on what we have in the freezer. 

After we've decided which meals we're going to have, we make the grocery list for what we need. One of us will do the grocery shopping, and usually pick up some extra staples, ( like black beans and diced tomatoes), and we always have all of the ingredients for tacos ready, just in case. (Always)


Then we look at our calendar for the week. If we have an evening engagement, I try to make something that gets put together fast, and that will make enough food for our childcare workers (read: grandparents) to enjoy a meal too.


The rest of the week, we kind of just decide in the morning which meal we will have, at which time I take the meat out of the freezer, or assemble the ingredients in the crock pot.


It's super simple and saves us so much time and money! Only making one shopping trip a week has been a life saver. And while I would love to use fancy things like this, or these printables, my handy pen and notepad work just as well.


Do you meal plan?

I Hover

I actually wrote this and posted it a long time ago on an old blog of mine, and thought I would re-post it today because the feelings I haven't changed any. Some things just don't seem like they will ever change.


Today I find myself feeling kind of alone.

It's kind of weird, actually. I have a house full of children, a loving husband, and I am surrounded by friends and family that continually offer their help.

But still, I feel alone. Not surprising however, is the knowledge that I have done this to myself. Because, you see, I hover.

I stare at other people and their relationships and sit back and hover. I watch with quiet envy as the people around me make plans and nurture friendships. I lurk around the outside of those relationships and wish that I, too, could be a part of them.

I hover because I am afraid of getting too close to people. I'm afraid that they will judge me, and I will fail. That I will not live up to their expectations. That I will be rejected. That I am not good enough, or smart enough, or funny enough, or just plain enough.

So I will stay here, feeling alone, knowing that it is my own doing. That if, for once, I did more than just stand and watch, I could make a new friend, or form a new relationship, or maybe just not feel so alone.

And until then, I will sit and I will hover and I will pray for God to prepare my heart for more.

Five weeks

I signed up for my first post-baby run, and it's only five weeks away!!
EEEK!
I have some serious training to do before then if I want to get a decent time, but I at least know for sure that I can finish it. So while I would love to get back to my previous 5K time (and of course do way better), I'm thinking that my first goal should be to just get out there and run. Or run/walk. Whatever.
Just finish!!


(and for those of you who care, I will not be partaking in the free boysenberry pie offered at the finish, since the race will by during my sugar free trial period. bummer)

Insta-Friday

It's Insta-Friday around here again.
And I've missed a couple of weeks so I'm just going to lump them all together.
All pictures were taken with the Instagram app on my iPhone.

Wesley helped himself to some (unknown amount) of these the other day. He called them candy.

This kid? Sleeps. A lot. Except when I'm not holding her. Then she screams. A lot.

Husband and I are taking this course. So far? Big changes. Changes that may allow me to not have to work. Yay Dave Ramsey!!

The beach with the fam in February. Gotta love So Cal.

He is perfectly happy chilling with his sammy on the blanket while the bigs splashed around in the water with Daddy.

I found this fabric the other day and scooped some up. Now the question is, what should I make?

One example of a no sugar no flour dinner. So far, so good.

Husband found this little idea on Pinterest (not sure about the original source) and showed it to me, so I decided to keep a visual reminder of how far I've come and how much I still have left. There's nothing like a visual reminder every day to keep me motivated.

She may or may not have spent some extra time in her seat because everybody else was sleeping too, and I had my hands free for a while!

Life with this guy around is never boring. Cause when you have enough personality to pull off camo and sparkles, you have it all.

Happy Fridays!!!

Less Than

I've been struggling lately.
A lot.
Four kids is hard times.
And I know that I have done nothing but complain about it, and I'm sorry, but this is where I am.


And I can't help but wonder how every body else does it. Because, surely, I am not the only one with four kids.
But I can't seem to find the time to clean the house, or do the crafting, or make it to the store with all the children in tow.


So you can imagine, that when I saw the Valentines baskets at school, and they were filled with things like this...

Source: zakkalife.blogspot.com via Becky on Pinterest

I felt a little bit less than.
Less than the mom who has enough energy to put so much effort in to a Valentine for my kid at school.
When all that I got around to was tearing off the card and getting the kid to sign their name.
Less than the mom who can make a Costco run with all four kids in tow.
Less than the mom who can decorate the house for whichever holiday is coming up next.
And less than the mom that I know that my kids deserve.


I'm trying to find confidence in the victories that I have made, like making it to the gym, or going for a walk, or even staying sugar free.
But I'm totally discouraged by how much less I can get accomplished with another body in the house!


At least the newest body is cute.

Sugar Free

So I decided that something had to give, you know, since I was actually GAINING weight while feeding myself and another human being.
(For the record, I totally don't want to hear how your pregnancy weight just melted off while you were nursing)


So I decided to try going sugar/white flour free until Easter to see how I feel.
And let me tell you this.
I am a far better person with sugar in my life.
I am grouchy. and irritable, and even more impatient than I used to be.
All I want is a little something sweet. And something to drink that isn't water.
(although I pretty much gave up Diet Coke when Paige was born, I want one sostinkingbad right now)


I also started logging my food again on myfitnesspal.com. (username turtlemomma) And I'm actually having a hard time getting all of my calories in. 
Reading nutrition labels and really paying attention to the food I'm eating has made me super aware of just how much sugar I was eating before, and I am totally shocked!


Giving up sugar is a huge sacrifice for me. But I'm actually really proud of myself for making it through two days of being sugar free.
I'm learning to eat for nourishment, instead of pleasure.
Making healthy choices, instead of easy ones.


And I'm really hoping that my mood will shift eventually. That after detoxing from the sugar, I'll be back to my normal sleep deprived self.

In the meantime, I could really use some food suggestions or snack ideas. I have a feeling the stuff I've been eating is going to get old really quick.

One proud momma

One of the biggest reasons for wanting to get healthy is to set a good example for my kids.
And some of my favorite moments are seeing them at the finish line of any of my races.


I'm totally not in race shape (given that I just had a new baby and all) but thought that it would be fun if they could run a race to start getting them more involved. 
Husband found the Disney Kid Races a couple of months ago and signed them up, and I'm so glad he did!


They broke them down in to age categories with the 1-3 year olds running 100 meters, and the 4-6 year olds running 200 meters. All through Disney's California Adventure!!


The race was super fun, but surprisingly a little bit disorganized, especially for a Disney event. When we first arrived, there was a huge line to get in to the park, because they were bag checking every body and it was essentially a single file line.

waiting to get in to the park

Once we were inside, they filtered every body to the back of the park, to a holding area. It was divided in to three areas, one for each age group, and it was there that we waited. And waited. And waited.

waiting

and waiting

and waiting

The race was supposed to start at 8am, but because of the long line out front they had to push back the start time.
And then they had the older kids (whose distance was one mile) run first. So we waited for them. Finally it was our turn to go, but the kids decided that they wanted to run together (which was so fun), so they both ended up running the 200 meters, together. (I love that my kids like to do so much together).


Once the race started, it was done in true Disney fashion. They started the kids in small groups, of maybe 10-15 kids, so that it wasn't a big huge mob of people running down the course. This also allowed each kids name to be called as they crossed the finish line. And they were greeted by Disney characters!!
My 3 year old even got to give Mickey a high five as he crossed the finish!

the finish line

After the race they were corralled in to a big area where they were offered Clif bars, water bottles, bananas, bagels, and fruit ropes. As though they had just run a half marathon or something. But they loved it!


Mallory ran way faster than I thought she would, and I even missed her as she came running through the finish line, but I was able to catch Daddy and Donovan, and I was so proud! It was so fun to see how much fun he was having.


We decided that we would sign them up for the same race in September, when I run the half marathon at Disneyland, and make a weekend trip out of it. Happy memories, for sure!!


I am so proud of my kids for doing such a great job, and can't wait to do it again!

After the race with their Super Cool medals