Insta - break

I love me some instagram. You with me?
And I love how some people have formed some truly amazing friendships over a little square box inside of their phone.
But that person is not me. Because I hover. And stalk. In a not really creepy way, I hope.

I've recently been on this crazy kick where I'm really trying to find out who I am and what works for me. And that is really hard to do in these days of instagram.
Because I look at everybody else's instas of their kids frolicking in open fields, and eating ice cream, and baking cupcakes together. And then I try to compare their highlights to my reality, and guess what, I don't measure up.

I watch people transform themselves all happy and yoga-ish and running hundreds of miles all speedy and looking like they just walked out of a salon. And then I get home from the gym and look in the mirror, and dude, you can totally tell that I just got worked at the gym.

I look at all of the amazing friendships that people have formed, and how they have meet ups and get togethers and outings, and I get sad. Because even if I formed friendships like those, I just don't have the time to be so social right now.

I'm not trying to sound all sad and melancholy. Because honestly, it's been really refreshing to take a break from everybody elses life and just focus on my own. 
Focus on how to make my own memories with my kids.
Focus on what to do to make mine a success story.
Focus on figuring out myself, so that I can be a better friend.

I saw this graphic on some one's instagram a couple of weeks ago. ( I know, ironic.)

source

And I saved it to my screen saver.

And then our message in church was on accepting one another. As stated in Romans chapter 14 "Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister." (v. 13)

And then I remembered this post from forever ago. 
Thinking of how much I needed it then.
And how much I still need it now.
This constant reminder that I am only trying to be a better me.
I honestly don't care if I'm better than anybody else. But for some reason I really care when people are better than me.

So I'm trying to stop paying so much attention to how everybody else is doing and start paying more attention to what is going on here. And right now, hearing those words, it sounds super selfish. But maybe that's what needs to happen in order to change things around here.

I deleted instagram from my phone over a week ago.
I'm thinking maybe Facebook is next.

On Not Meeting Goals

Last week I made some goals that seemed pretty achievable.

And I was super confident as of Monday that I would blow them out of the water. And then Friday came, and I knew for sure that I would be able to check off every single box.

And then Sunday morning came.

And you guys. I didn't even lose two pounds.

Flabbergasted.

As of Friday morning I was down 4.2 pounds. I made the choice to have some French Fries with dinner. My dinner of steamed vegetables and baked chicken. SOME french fries.

Saturday morning? Up a little bit. Totally expected. But still well on my way to being down those two pounds.

My eating on Saturday? On point. No french fries.

And then I stepped on the scale on Sunday morning. 1.4 pounds lost. Which means three pounds gained. Don't get me wrong. I'm happy that I lost even that much. It's way better than my past weeks of no change on the scale.

But for reals?

The only thing that I can think of that messed it up was sleep. My work schedule is rough on the weekends. I got about five hours of sleep on Friday night and about four hours on Saturday. I've always heard of the link between sleep and weight loss, but I never imagined that it would be this drastic.

So... I'm switching my weigh in days to Friday again. In the past this has always set me up for binging on the weekends knowing that I had an entire week to "fix" the damage. But what I can't fix? Sleep. So I'm going to try to see if weighing in on Friday changes anything. And I'm going to control my eating on the weekends, just like I do during the week.

And if that doesn't work? I'll try something else. This time I am not giving up. I am determined to get this weight off.

Goals and Positive self talk

After my super downer last post, I decided something needed to change. 

So I'm pulling on my big girl panties and sucking it up.

I set some goals for myself and wrote them out, front and center, so that I see them every morning and can stay focused and on track. I made them small and attainable so that I'm not overwhelmed, and I will feel accomplished and encouraged when they are met. (I may or may not have stepped on the scale this morning and seen a number that surpassed my first goal. But according to my husband it doesn't count unless that same number shows up on the scale on Sunday as well.)

And I decided to write myself some love notes. On my mirror. So that I see more than my reflection.

I decided to start with "You are worthy." Because I do believe that I am worthy of so much more than I am right now. I am worthy of so much more love than I give myself, and I am worthy of a much healthier, happier life.

On my other mirror it says "made for more". God created me for more than this. I know that. I just need to remind myself of it often, because it is so easy to fall back in to the trap of feeling sorry for myself.

I'll update soon, because I'm sure I'll want to shout to the world when I can cross these goals off of my list. And I really think that changing them every week is going to be a big motivation for me. Rethinking my plan each week will really help me to stay focused this time. (at least that's my hope.)

Heavy

I took a break.
I felt kind of like a fraud.
Blogging about weight loss and fitness when I'm not losing weight doesn't really seem right.

But I'm back.
If for no other reason than to voice feelings that don't seem to have any other place.

So here I am.
And things feel really heavy.
I'm still carrying around at least 30 or 40 extra pounds, and probably even 50 or 60 if I go by what all the charts say that I should weigh. I've been doing Crossfit for a year now, and I haven't seen a huge difference in my body, which is super frustrating. I've also toyed around with all kinds of different eating. Paleo. Gluten free. Counting calories. I'm still trying to find what works for me, and that sucks.

But more than that, my life feels really heavy.
The responsibility of raising four kids to be kind, well-mannered, loving, giving people in this crazy world seems like a burden that I'm not prepared to bear.
Working two jobs so that our kids and our family can be comfortable and debt free seems like unending captivity.
Trying to lose this weight and set a good example for my kids so that they never have to struggle like I have seems like an impossible feat.

I would like to think that I have enough faith to believe that God has it all under control. That I can let Him carry my burdens for me and that I shouldn't worry about any of this. But that is just.so.hard.

I'm staying on this journey not only to lose the physical weight, but to see if maybe I can figure out a way to make the emotional baggage seem not so heavy also.

Thanks for sticking around!

Endurance

2012 was a rough year, I'm not going to say anything more.

So I'm really looking forward to 2013.
I am hopeful that I can finally get to a happier place. 
That I can reach my goal weight.
That I can sustain a healthy lifestyle.

But it is going to take endurance.
My biggest struggle has always been endurance.
Learning to keep going when things get rough. Because it's so much easier to just quit.
But this year I will not quit.
I will not make excuses.
I will endure all of the challenges.
I will become a better version of me.
The version that I know has been trapped inside for so long.

...and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,² looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith... (Hebrews 12:1-2)

I feel like I have the potential to be awesome.
If only I can endure all of the hard work that it will take me to get there.
If only I can put my big girl panties on and just suck it up and stick with it.

Balance

I get it.
There is some kind of crazy cliche in the (fitblogging) universe about people that don't blog for a while falling off the wagon and gaining weight.
But that's totally not me.

I just haven't had much to say.
I've been super busy trying to focus on my four kids.
Going to crossfit four times a week.
Trying to figure out some paleo snacks that are grab and go.

Trying to balance working out and doing what's best for our family.

And then I got to thinking about how every single weekend we have about 5 places to be and we're never home long enough to do the dirty dishes that are piled up in the sink.
And what's going to happen when the littles get bigger and we have 10 more places to be?
I want our kids to be well rounded and active, but I don't quite know how to balance all of the activities along with the rest of our crazy schedule.

But I'm still here, trucking along.
Eating paleo.

Being distracted.

Missing box jumps. (which I would really not recommend)

Reality Check

I've been feeling really good about myself.
I've lost almost 13 pounds.
I've stuck with my whole sugar free craziness.
I fit in to non maternity jeans.
I've been exercising at least three times a week (including a 4 mile run, thankyouverymuch).

And then today my three year old looks up at me with his enormous blue eyes and very innocently says "Mommy, when you sit down you look fat."


Never mind that I have no idea where he heard that.
Or that he didn't mean to hurt my feelings, because after all, he's only three.
I had the whole "that's not kind" talk with him. And the "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" talk, too.
Because I think that I might be totally mortified if he said that to anyone except me.


But I got a very serious reality check that I still have so far to go. And as awesome as I feel, it was a true reflection of how other people see me. He wasn't lying.


So I guess I'll have to refrain from sitting for a while longer. You know, until I don't look fat anymore.

I Hover

I actually wrote this and posted it a long time ago on an old blog of mine, and thought I would re-post it today because the feelings I haven't changed any. Some things just don't seem like they will ever change.


Today I find myself feeling kind of alone.

It's kind of weird, actually. I have a house full of children, a loving husband, and I am surrounded by friends and family that continually offer their help.

But still, I feel alone. Not surprising however, is the knowledge that I have done this to myself. Because, you see, I hover.

I stare at other people and their relationships and sit back and hover. I watch with quiet envy as the people around me make plans and nurture friendships. I lurk around the outside of those relationships and wish that I, too, could be a part of them.

I hover because I am afraid of getting too close to people. I'm afraid that they will judge me, and I will fail. That I will not live up to their expectations. That I will be rejected. That I am not good enough, or smart enough, or funny enough, or just plain enough.

So I will stay here, feeling alone, knowing that it is my own doing. That if, for once, I did more than just stand and watch, I could make a new friend, or form a new relationship, or maybe just not feel so alone.

And until then, I will sit and I will hover and I will pray for God to prepare my heart for more.