I Hover

I actually wrote this and posted it a long time ago on an old blog of mine, and thought I would re-post it today because the feelings I haven't changed any. Some things just don't seem like they will ever change.


Today I find myself feeling kind of alone.

It's kind of weird, actually. I have a house full of children, a loving husband, and I am surrounded by friends and family that continually offer their help.

But still, I feel alone. Not surprising however, is the knowledge that I have done this to myself. Because, you see, I hover.

I stare at other people and their relationships and sit back and hover. I watch with quiet envy as the people around me make plans and nurture friendships. I lurk around the outside of those relationships and wish that I, too, could be a part of them.

I hover because I am afraid of getting too close to people. I'm afraid that they will judge me, and I will fail. That I will not live up to their expectations. That I will be rejected. That I am not good enough, or smart enough, or funny enough, or just plain enough.

So I will stay here, feeling alone, knowing that it is my own doing. That if, for once, I did more than just stand and watch, I could make a new friend, or form a new relationship, or maybe just not feel so alone.

And until then, I will sit and I will hover and I will pray for God to prepare my heart for more.