I Hover

I actually wrote this and posted it a long time ago on an old blog of mine, and thought I would re-post it today because the feelings I haven't changed any. Some things just don't seem like they will ever change.


Today I find myself feeling kind of alone.

It's kind of weird, actually. I have a house full of children, a loving husband, and I am surrounded by friends and family that continually offer their help.

But still, I feel alone. Not surprising however, is the knowledge that I have done this to myself. Because, you see, I hover.

I stare at other people and their relationships and sit back and hover. I watch with quiet envy as the people around me make plans and nurture friendships. I lurk around the outside of those relationships and wish that I, too, could be a part of them.

I hover because I am afraid of getting too close to people. I'm afraid that they will judge me, and I will fail. That I will not live up to their expectations. That I will be rejected. That I am not good enough, or smart enough, or funny enough, or just plain enough.

So I will stay here, feeling alone, knowing that it is my own doing. That if, for once, I did more than just stand and watch, I could make a new friend, or form a new relationship, or maybe just not feel so alone.

And until then, I will sit and I will hover and I will pray for God to prepare my heart for more.

Five weeks

I signed up for my first post-baby run, and it's only five weeks away!!
EEEK!
I have some serious training to do before then if I want to get a decent time, but I at least know for sure that I can finish it. So while I would love to get back to my previous 5K time (and of course do way better), I'm thinking that my first goal should be to just get out there and run. Or run/walk. Whatever.
Just finish!!


(and for those of you who care, I will not be partaking in the free boysenberry pie offered at the finish, since the race will by during my sugar free trial period. bummer)

Insta-Friday

It's Insta-Friday around here again.
And I've missed a couple of weeks so I'm just going to lump them all together.
All pictures were taken with the Instagram app on my iPhone.

Wesley helped himself to some (unknown amount) of these the other day. He called them candy.

This kid? Sleeps. A lot. Except when I'm not holding her. Then she screams. A lot.

Husband and I are taking this course. So far? Big changes. Changes that may allow me to not have to work. Yay Dave Ramsey!!

The beach with the fam in February. Gotta love So Cal.

He is perfectly happy chilling with his sammy on the blanket while the bigs splashed around in the water with Daddy.

I found this fabric the other day and scooped some up. Now the question is, what should I make?

One example of a no sugar no flour dinner. So far, so good.

Husband found this little idea on Pinterest (not sure about the original source) and showed it to me, so I decided to keep a visual reminder of how far I've come and how much I still have left. There's nothing like a visual reminder every day to keep me motivated.

She may or may not have spent some extra time in her seat because everybody else was sleeping too, and I had my hands free for a while!

Life with this guy around is never boring. Cause when you have enough personality to pull off camo and sparkles, you have it all.

Happy Fridays!!!

Less Than

I've been struggling lately.
A lot.
Four kids is hard times.
And I know that I have done nothing but complain about it, and I'm sorry, but this is where I am.


And I can't help but wonder how every body else does it. Because, surely, I am not the only one with four kids.
But I can't seem to find the time to clean the house, or do the crafting, or make it to the store with all the children in tow.


So you can imagine, that when I saw the Valentines baskets at school, and they were filled with things like this...

Source: zakkalife.blogspot.com via Becky on Pinterest

I felt a little bit less than.
Less than the mom who has enough energy to put so much effort in to a Valentine for my kid at school.
When all that I got around to was tearing off the card and getting the kid to sign their name.
Less than the mom who can make a Costco run with all four kids in tow.
Less than the mom who can decorate the house for whichever holiday is coming up next.
And less than the mom that I know that my kids deserve.


I'm trying to find confidence in the victories that I have made, like making it to the gym, or going for a walk, or even staying sugar free.
But I'm totally discouraged by how much less I can get accomplished with another body in the house!


At least the newest body is cute.

Sugar Free

So I decided that something had to give, you know, since I was actually GAINING weight while feeding myself and another human being.
(For the record, I totally don't want to hear how your pregnancy weight just melted off while you were nursing)


So I decided to try going sugar/white flour free until Easter to see how I feel.
And let me tell you this.
I am a far better person with sugar in my life.
I am grouchy. and irritable, and even more impatient than I used to be.
All I want is a little something sweet. And something to drink that isn't water.
(although I pretty much gave up Diet Coke when Paige was born, I want one sostinkingbad right now)


I also started logging my food again on myfitnesspal.com. (username turtlemomma) And I'm actually having a hard time getting all of my calories in. 
Reading nutrition labels and really paying attention to the food I'm eating has made me super aware of just how much sugar I was eating before, and I am totally shocked!


Giving up sugar is a huge sacrifice for me. But I'm actually really proud of myself for making it through two days of being sugar free.
I'm learning to eat for nourishment, instead of pleasure.
Making healthy choices, instead of easy ones.


And I'm really hoping that my mood will shift eventually. That after detoxing from the sugar, I'll be back to my normal sleep deprived self.

In the meantime, I could really use some food suggestions or snack ideas. I have a feeling the stuff I've been eating is going to get old really quick.