Heavy

I took a break.
I felt kind of like a fraud.
Blogging about weight loss and fitness when I'm not losing weight doesn't really seem right.

But I'm back.
If for no other reason than to voice feelings that don't seem to have any other place.

So here I am.
And things feel really heavy.
I'm still carrying around at least 30 or 40 extra pounds, and probably even 50 or 60 if I go by what all the charts say that I should weigh. I've been doing Crossfit for a year now, and I haven't seen a huge difference in my body, which is super frustrating. I've also toyed around with all kinds of different eating. Paleo. Gluten free. Counting calories. I'm still trying to find what works for me, and that sucks.

But more than that, my life feels really heavy.
The responsibility of raising four kids to be kind, well-mannered, loving, giving people in this crazy world seems like a burden that I'm not prepared to bear.
Working two jobs so that our kids and our family can be comfortable and debt free seems like unending captivity.
Trying to lose this weight and set a good example for my kids so that they never have to struggle like I have seems like an impossible feat.

I would like to think that I have enough faith to believe that God has it all under control. That I can let Him carry my burdens for me and that I shouldn't worry about any of this. But that is just.so.hard.

I'm staying on this journey not only to lose the physical weight, but to see if maybe I can figure out a way to make the emotional baggage seem not so heavy also.

Thanks for sticking around!