Tuesday, November 23, 2010

I Give Up

I was looking for some keys the other day, so Husband grabbed all of the extra keys that we had in our house and left them in one place.

This is what I found.

That's right. Three ten percent keychains. I have lost 10% of my body weight three times. And the first time I did Weight Watchers, I actually lost 20%, but didn't get a keychain for the second 10%. 

I sat there and stared at the keychains in my hand. I mean, for reals that I have done this so many times and yet still find myself back again. To lose the weight again.

And then Husband said it. "You just give up". And he's right. I totally do. I give up. Because I'm afraid to lose more weight, just to gain it back again.

I'm afraid to be back at wedding day weight. I'm afraid of that girl, who is more comfortable in her own skin.

As much as I want to be thinner, and more importantly, be healthier, I have grown so accustomed to where I am now.

This is where I reach in between each pregnancy. This is how far I get before I have an excuse to not be here anymore.

This is where I'm comfortable. Where I know how much I can get away with without seeing huge gains on the scale each week. And I know that means that I don't see huge losses, but for some strange reason I'm quietly okay with that.

I set my next goal so that I get a new running playlist when I reach below 200 pounds. At my last weigh in I was 200.0. The perfect failure. I can easily blame it on the fact that I had to go to the bathroom, or that I had a sweater on, or that I wore my wedding ring to the meeting, when I usually don't.

How dare I blame it on the cheeseburger and fries that I had last weekend. Or the margarita (or 2) that I had on Saturday night. Nor should I mention that I only worked out one time last week (even if I did burn 900 calories in that one workout).

I stepped on the scale this morning, knowing that I would see higher than that 200. And what stared back at me was 199.6. Um, that just started with a ONE, people!!

And yet I have already made the excuse in my head that this is Thanksgiving week, so I shouldn't expect to see that number at my official weigh in on Saturday. Which means that I don't get my new playlist.

Which basically means that I give up. Maybe not on purpose. But I do.


Kimberlynn said...

Hi Kendra,
It's been a while since I've been here, but I'm sure glad I came tonight. I actually thought about doing a post about NOT GIVING UP tonight, but truthfully, I'm too tired. I'm happy instead to be here saying it to you. You're doing what I've done so many times. You're looking at all the negatives instead of the positives. Just because you've given up before DOES NOT mean this time has to be the same!!! Just make up your mind girl. Get your head in the game and go for it. I'm with you as far as WW goes. This is my 7th time...can you even believe it...my 7th!!! But you know what, this time has been all together different. And it can be for you too. You just have to make the decision. Oh, and pray like a crazy woman.

Okay, I've gotten carried away. So I'll go for now, but if you need support and encouragement, you've got it...I'm here.


FatAngryBlog said...

Once you recognize and acknowledge your pattern, that's really a big step in accepting what is past is past and moving into a positive present with the goal of a new future to reflect a new outlook.

When I get to 199.anything I will scream so loudly that I might frighten my family, hell even my neighbours.

I got close in 2006.

I was less than 10 lbs away and I gave up.

I'm not giving up this time and I don't think you are either.


Because you wrote about it. You didn't deny it, you didn't hide it, you didn't try to disguise it.

That tells me that you are ready for a different path than you've taken before.

Keep a cool head, and let us know how it goes!

Adrienne said...

Kendra, you can do it. DONT give up. You are below 200!!! And that counts. I am exactly like you! I have done this so many times too. But not many people are successful on their first try. When I hit 199.4, I said to my husband, "I/m Never gonna let it get there again." Then I was 197 and we were debating eating at KFC, and he said, "Okay, hello again 200!" and I stopped and said, "NO. go home." and we did. Enjoy thanksgiving, but don't weigh this Saturday ;) then work it hard and you won't see 200 again!

Living a Changed Life said...

Great post! Thanks for being so honest. You are not the only one. When I got down to the overweight me I was used to, it was so hard to convince myself to keep going. I was comfortable and sometimes pushing past that can be the hardest thing in your weight loss journey. But let me tell you, it is worth it to keep going!

Tammy said...

Oh I would kill to see that Onederland #...you see it and you're giving up this week?? NO BUENO girl!!! lol Take that Onederland # and run with it!!!! :)

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