I was looking for some keys the other day, so Husband grabbed all of the extra keys that we had in our house and left them in one place.
This is what I found.
That's right. Three ten percent keychains. I have lost 10% of my body weight three times. And the first time I did Weight Watchers, I actually lost 20%, but didn't get a keychain for the second 10%.
I sat there and stared at the keychains in my hand. I mean, for reals that I have done this so many times and yet still find myself back again. To lose the weight again.
And then Husband said it. "You just give up". And he's right. I totally do. I give up. Because I'm afraid to lose more weight, just to gain it back again.
I'm afraid to be back at wedding day weight. I'm afraid of that girl, who is more comfortable in her own skin.
As much as I want to be thinner, and more importantly, be healthier, I have grown so accustomed to where I am now.
This is where I reach in between each pregnancy. This is how far I get before I have an excuse to not be here anymore.
This is where I'm comfortable. Where I know how much I can get away with without seeing huge gains on the scale each week. And I know that means that I don't see huge losses, but for some strange reason I'm quietly okay with that.
I set my next goal so that I get a new running playlist when I reach below 200 pounds. At my last weigh in I was 200.0. The perfect failure. I can easily blame it on the fact that I had to go to the bathroom, or that I had a sweater on, or that I wore my wedding ring to the meeting, when I usually don't.
How dare I blame it on the cheeseburger and fries that I had last weekend. Or the margarita (or 2) that I had on Saturday night. Nor should I mention that I only worked out one time last week (even if I did burn 900 calories in that one workout).
I stepped on the scale this morning, knowing that I would see higher than that 200. And what stared back at me was 199.6. Um, that just started with a ONE, people!!
And yet I have already made the excuse in my head that this is Thanksgiving week, so I shouldn't expect to see that number at my official weigh in on Saturday. Which means that I don't get my new playlist.
Which basically means that I give up. Maybe not on purpose. But I do.