Here I Am

So here I am, back from the abyss of unmotivated pregnancy.
I've spent the past 9+ months baking, birthing, and feeding this little one.

But I'm back.
Wanting to get back on the proverbial bandwagon and get back in shape. 
To lose the pregnancy pounds and then some.
To start blogging again to keep myself accountable. 
To have a sense of fellowship, even if its only with my keyboard and the words on the screen, with someone else who is going through the same thing.


This time things will look different.
I have FOUR kids now. And they are my world.
So I'll probably talk about them more than I did before.
And I'll probably babble about the rest of my life more too.
Because I am more than just my weight.
More than just this journey.
And I want this to be about all of me.


Let's get on it!!

You're Beautiful

Just a little reminder that you're beautiful.
In the words of Mercy Me.

Totally Worth It

So I went out for another walk/run today to add another 3.7 miles to the total for my Joggermom Marathon. (Bringing the current total to 15.5 miles.) And had a conversation with my 2 year old that made all of this worth it.


Donovan : Mommy, why are we going for a walk?
Mommy : Because mommy needs to exercise.
Donovan: Mommy, can I exercise too?
Mommy: Sure Donovan, that's a great idea.
Donovan: Kay mommy, me exercise like you.


I know that it doesn't seem like a big deal. But to me, it totally is.
Because one of my biggest motivations for getting healthy and losing the weight is to set a good example for my kids.
So that they don't grow up fighting the sedentary lifestyle that I grew up with.
So that hopefully, they don't have to struggle with their weight, like I always have.
So the fact that my 2 year old wants to exercise, regardless of the reason, makes all of this totally worth it.


My heart is so full.

Who am I?

I am a child of God.
I am a wife.
I am a mother.
I am a daughter. A sister. A friend.
I am a nurse.


I am also the fat girl. The fat mom.
The mom that yells at her kids. That scolds them for doing things that all kids do.
The mom that wishes she wasn't that mom. That dreams of children running through rainbows with happy laughter and sweet smiles. 
The mom that dreams of pigtails tied with ribbons, and little boys dressed in pinstripes. Adorned with perfect, obedient smiles.


I am not the mom that has perfectly behaved children, who still manages to get dinner on the table and keep the hardwood floors clear of debris.


I am just me. An overweight woman trying to make things make sense everyday. Trying to set a good example for my children. And failing. Every day, with some mistake. Some poor choice.


I wish that I could say that I am a success story. But right now, I am not. My story is still being told. With chapters being put on hold as life gets in the way.


All I know is that I love my kids with all of my heart. I want more than anything to be a good mom. To be a good wife. To be a good daughter. To be a good person. And at some point, to be that success story.


The one that you guys are all rooting for. The one that you guys encourage. The one that I know is inside of me.


Happy Mother's Day!!

One

This guy is one today.

One reason to stay healthy.
One reason to keep setting a good example.
One reason to continue trying, despite the discouraging outcomes.
One reason why my life is so full of joy.
One.
Wow.

Own Your Beauty

Over at BlogHer, they are having a year long campaign to Own Your Beauty. Each month focuses on  a different aspect. For February it happens to be spirituality.

This comes at a perfect time for me, since I seem to be having a kind of dry spell. I'll be spending some time over there looking for some inspiration. I hope you'll check it out!!

The eyes of a child

On a side note, I did my first spin class this morning, and I don't know how much longer I will be ambulatory. Wow.


Now to the story.
I took my brood to the grocery store yesterday. Both boys were in the cart (my store has double wides. love.), and the *almost* four year old was walking next to me.

We turned down an aisle, and coming in the opposite direction was a very large lady. She was so large she was using the cart as support as she walked.


Because four year olds do not have filters, the following happened.


Four year old : "Mommy, she's a real fat mommy. Not like you, you're a regular mommy. She's a fat mommy."


Me (out loud) : " Four year old, we do not talk about people that way. God makes people in all different shapes and sizes, and it is not kind to call people fat. We always like to use kind words when we talk about people. Do you understand?"


Four year old : "Yes, mommy. I'm sorry."


Me (inside my head) : "I'm totally not the fat mommy! I'm a regular mommy!"


I know. Totally inappropriate to rejoice at that time, but to be honest, after being mortified that she said what she did OUT LOUD, my next thought was all about me.


Because one of the things that I've wanted since we started having kids was to not be the fat mom. I didn't want my kids to be embarrassed of me because of my weight. I know that kids are embarrassed enough of their parents without having that thrown in to the mix.


So I'm proud to be setting an example to them. That even if I'm not the skinny mommy, that I'm doing the right thing. I exercise. I try to make good food choices. And they are watching. And noticing.


And I'm not the fat mommy!!!

Girls on the Run

I grew up pretty much sedentary.


It wasn't until high school that I started to take tumbling and dance classes. And even then, I was already overweight, so I was hindered in a lot of ways.


I came across this program the other day that I think I love.
I wish that it was around when I was younger.
It is an amazing way to instill self confidence in young girls.
To get them active and teach them discipline.
To make them proud of what they can do with a little bit of hard work.
To encourage a healthy lifestyle from a young age.


I want to be more in shape so that I can start a location in Orange County.
I want my daughter and her friends to grow up with this opportunity.
I want to be able to stand up as a role model.


It's called Girls on the Run.
And I kind of think it rocks.

Motivation

I recently just posted about how I'm back.


About how I found motivation to keep going and all that stuff, and it's true.


I feel better when I eat right.
I feel better when I exercise.
I feel better when I set a good example for my littles.
I feel better when I do the right thing or make a good choice.


But then I step on the scale. On a non-weigh-in day. And it does. not. move.
And I get frustrated, because here we are like 10 weeks in to this stinking plateau. And I have changed up my exercise routine, and stuck to my daily points allowance, and yet... no change.


I don't intend on quitting.
I've come too far for that.
And I actually kind of like my new lifestyle.
But this is really frustrating.
23 weeks. 23 pounds. (and yes, I know that a pound a week is completely acceptable)


So I have a couple of questions.


If you follow Weight Watchers... Do you eat all of your activity points? 
Because I haven't been eating them, and that's not getting me anywhere.


Any plateau busters that you might suggest? 
Giving up Diet Coke didn't work for me, so we won't be going there again. =)


And I know that I'm like the link queen or something lately, but if you haven't read this guy's story or this post about motivation, please do it. If that's not motivating, I just don't know what to say.

I'm Back

I'm back.


And more than just from yesterday's baseball watching, baby snuggling hiatus.


I have once again found the motivation to keep going on this journey, due mostly to all of you. The supports that I have found in this blogging world has been kind of crazy, and I am so grateful for all of it.


I've also found motivation through so many of you. Some obvious, some unexpected. So here's some of my faves as of late.


Adrienne and Sara recently completed triathlons. Totally crazy. At this moment I have no desire to compete in a triathlon, but I'd be lying if I said that it didn't peak my interest. It seems kind of crazy that I would even have the ability to do something like that, let alone the motivation.


Sheryl (aka b*tchcakes) recently made goal at her Weight Watchers meeting, and listening to her talk about how long it took her to get there really struck a nerve for me. (Not to mention that she's totally adorable and super fun to read).


I read this post about food and control, and got a total slap in the face and kick in the pants at the same time. And since I'm kind of Type A and really enjoy control, it kind of helped me out a little bit.


And the last place I will make you jump is to Keelie. She recently wrote this post about perseverance. And I realized that I am a quitter. When things get hard, or don't go my way, I quit. I walk away. But I'm a big girl now, and that won't get me anywhere. So all that I can do is keep going. Keep moving. Keep running.

Kidding Myself

I must be kidding myself.


Four days of tracking and exercising and doing all of the right things do not make up for a weekend worth of gluttony.

And that is what I feel like I've been doing. Watching carefully during the week, and running rampant on the weekends.

I do not deserve the one pound weight loss that I achieved this past week. It should have been a gain, or at the very least maintenance.


So today I will start following the Weight Watchers program as it is designed. To track EVERY day. Every bite, lick, taste, and splurge.

Because I really want to do this the right way, not just the way that works.


And eyes are watching. Little eyes. Two and Three year old eyes. 


And if I don't do it the right way, then I won't get to hear "Mommy, when I get big like you, I'm going to run all of the time too."


And then she will no longer inspire me. And right now, they are my inspiration. 


These guys.